Homecoming

As I continue to grow as a mother there is a notion I keep returning to.

I will never forget those first few moments coming home with our first child. She was so tiny and delicate and I distinctly remember feeling like that little bundle of perfection needed all sorts of things I was not quite sure how to provide. Both my husband and I were in quite the juxtaposition feeling like we were floating on cloud nine yet simultaneously sinking in a deep sea of sleep deprivation. Even so, it felt like pure bliss.

It had been a few days since our peaceful hospital birth, but I was still in a mild state of shock. This little life, the one I now held in my arms who was inside me for nine months had just transformed me into a mother overnight. It was a new role. A role I had always wanted but was not sure if I was absolutely ready for. One moment I was an “expecting mother” which felt no different than who I always was before, and the next I was just “a mother”. Her mother. It was a world of difference and the weight of it took me by surprise.

Now that I am a mother of three, people ask me all the time if it is harder to go from one child to two, or two children to three. My honest answer…I struggled the most going from no children to one. Not because everyone warned me that the newborn stage would take me for a whirl, but because I focused too hard on trying to do things “right”. If I could do it all again, I would have just tried to slow my thoughts down and truly enjoy every bit of her. Taking in every moment instead of trying to get her through to the next one.

The notion is, in those heavy moments, especially those when she was crying and inconsolable, I did not need to know what an experienced mother would do. It is not about being ready or perfect. To our babies we are already those things. I just needed to be present. And every time she needed something and I would respond without delay, it sent her a message of security and love. That message reinforced her trust and confidence and it still does to this day.

So if you ever feel a weightiness to motherhood, or overwhelmed by the demands of the moment, I hope you will return to the thought of simply being you and being there. Sounds simple, but I promise it is quite profound.